Another Birthday

Well, another birthday is coming and going. Everyone always makes fun of me because I am always that type of person that always act like the next number on the age scale will call for a whole new me. This year I feel as if something is different. This year I want to be better, kinder, healthier, the best version of myself. I want to shed all the negative things in my life; whether these things be things said about me, people, extra weight, pretty much anything that questions my happiness and brings me down. I'm getting to the point where my mental capacity is so full that I don't have time for anything but positivity. Twenty-one has been an exceptionally hard year for me. I've battled boyfriends and breakups, lost friendships, the passing of my grandpa and my beloved childhood dog, spent too many nights shit wasted and too many days too hungover to move, I was a much more negative version of myself than what I showed people. I keep saying I can't wait to turn twenty-two because twenty-one really was the hardest year of my life. I don't think i'll change over night or that I'll miraculously become the best person any of you have ever met but I do think that I can start fresh and choose the path I take from here out. Now cheers to the last few moments of being twenty-one but an even bigger cheers to twenty-two.

Question Mark... Question Mark...

Well everyone-... let me rephrase that.. well anyone who might potentially read my blog. I think we have all decided that I’m pretty busy. Pretty busy meaning that I don’t have more than a second to day dream or enjoy the peace and relaxation before the next thing sneaks up. It’s definitely a pain but I put it on myself. I want to be all these different things but not at different times in my life.. all at once. At the moment I teach, coach, run my own chair at a salon, and I am attempting to write a book. When you list all these things out it seems nearly impossible but I make it possible because I want to dip my toes into everything and then go from there... but this doesn’t end. I want to be a surgeon, a special education teacher, a surgical assistant, a life coach, a counselor, a social security worker, a nurse, a nurse in the Air Force, a mom, a wife, an actress, a reporter, a sales person, a secretary. I literally want to be all these things. I’m just now learning that just because I am adaptable doesn’t mean that I need to do EVERYTHING. And if it takes my whole life to find out what my niche is... well I guess I have to be okay with this. And me saying that I guess I have to be okay with this.. well that means I’m really not okay with this. So, if any one has any suggestions on what the hell to do with my life, please do share.

Well, it’s been a minute.... several minutes. If we’re being exact it’s been somewhere around 155,000 odd minutes... if you want to talk about seconds that’s a whole different ball park. I apologize to those of you who take the time to check my blog and have been sorely disappointed by my inability to compose something. It’s just been an absolute roller coaster since the last time I wrote, in that week I was feeling less than myself and ever since then I’ve tried concurring everything thrown my way. Little had I thought that this would be slightly overwhelming. Rewarding, yet very overwhelming. I have started school back up again and it’s been such a great year so far. I’ve also picked up coaching, which is so much fun and I now understand why people coach. I love having a team that looks up to me when they have questions and listens to me and then succeeds. AND LASTLY, of course i'm still doing the hair thing. I really dove head first into my hair business the last few months and I can't believe what a success it has become in such a short amount of time. I've had people that I haven't spoken to in months reaching out to me and asking me if I can do their hair. I've had people from out of no where that I would have never expected reaching out to me popping up in my inbox.
I guess this was just a catch you up type of post... until next time.

False Hope

I promised from the very first post that whatever I dedicated my time to writing about that I would write with honesty and emotion. I am a very chillax person in a sense. I usually brush off the negative things in my life, the drama, the rude comments, the differing views on things, the failed relationships, the oops moments that I wish I could burry deep down into the depths of the earth where I will never find them again, the times where I failed and did not succeed, all of it. I usually just take whatever it is and grow from it and move on and try not to let it weigh on me and to not care. There was I a time I decided to care. I decided to put my walls down after a very long time and stop being so cautious and just be free and happy. I gave myself the hope and the time to devote myself to something far bigger than myself. I let myself laugh, cry, hurt, be happier than I've been a long time and truly just embrace the situation. I made plans for myself that seemed extreme but worth it at the time and I let all my precautions and the nagging in my brain that told me to tread lightly or slow the hell down come to a halt because I wanted to believe that fairy tales happen and people are really how they act and that it isn't a façade. I make a lot of mistakes in my life but those around me enter knowing that I do so and that I try with all my might to move on and grow from all the bumps in the road. I don't believe that people are bad because they decide to change their mind on things or lose feelings or hope but I believe people have the power and the knowledge to know that leaving someone without a reason or explanation on why they gave up is one of the absolute worst things you can do. You leave a person wondering what they could have done differently or why they aren't good enough or just why in general. All of these pondering thoughts being something that leaves a person to believe that they are somehow not worth it. I have watched so many friends in my life and myself go through a situation similar to this that I just hope my generation and those of you who read this understand how truly wrong and hurtful it is. False hope is something that drives right into the depths of all your emotions, it makes you hurt like hell and it does take time to get through but like everything else there is a light at the end of the tunnel (as long as one remembers to turn on the light- thank you J.K Rowling) if you so wish to find it.

On a better note my friends, I got to play in the water today and I got quite burnt but it was worth the laughs and smiles that came along with it. Now on to one of the busier next few days that I have endoured in a long time.
Thank you for reading and stay kind.

Falling

It's that same feeling that you get when you are going up a roller coaster and you just know the drop is right around the corner. It's the same feeling that you get the night of Christmas Eve and you can hardly sleep because in the morning you get to tear through the pristine perfectly wrapped wrapping paper. The same feeling right before you get to sit down to thanksgiving dinner after being shooed and booted from the kitchen all day. The feeling you get when you see a  puppy or see an old friend after quite some time. It's EXACTLY like boarding a plane for the first time... the feeling of excitement and joy and relief and fear and anxiety... and all the butterflies in the world decide to come in and inhabit the brain, the heart, and the stomach all at once. It's like falling. It is falling.

Papa Radcliffe

All my life I have spent it telling my parents how lucky I am to have had them as my role models, best friends, parents, therapist, and adventure buddies. Not a day goes by dad where I don't thank God for the amazing father figure he has given me. You never failed to show me what it takes to work for what you want and love like hell. Watching you as I grew up made me into the person I am today. The person that always strikes conversations with the strangers at the grocery stores or offers to help someone if they are doing a task that seems like too much to them. You have made me into a person that worries less about what other people will think and takes chances just for the hell of it and the experience. You have helped form me into this hard worker and this person that doesn't want to take shit from anyone but also knows how to forgive easily. It honestly blows my mind sometimes thinking about how great you are. Are you perfect? Mmm. No, but you are pretty darn close. Your comedic humor never fails to make an entrance at any God given moment and your sarcasm is always up there at about a nine. You have made me laugh till my sides hurt and throw a couple punches at you when the time is right. I hope that you have an amazing fathers day and that you know how truly amazing it was for me to grow up with a dad like you. I love you.

Done.

I made an executive decision after last night. I, Kaylee Radcliffe, am going to fast from alcohol for at least the rest of this month. I am over the way it makes me feel and the way it makes me act, plus I absolutely HATE not remembering the night. I understand that drinking is fun, sure. It is a grand time but at the same time I would much rather remember what happened and what that funny joke I heard was or if I was being a dick. It isn't worth it to me to have a little extra fun if it comes at the cost of friendships and feeling poorly about myself the next day. I'm sure a lot of people won't understand and won't think I'm any fun but oh well. It is my own choice. I will still go out and I'd love to designated drive for anyone that needs it but my health, my mental health, my heart and my wallet all need a bit of a break.

A short story..

This is a true story:
Once upon a time there were two little girls. One was made with fire like the sun and one was made of a kindness as sweet as chocolate. These two little girls were my sister and I. For those of you that know us you know that when my sister and I were little that she was clearly the spicy one and I was clearly the sweet one. We were a great combination. When my sister and I were little we would go visit Grandma Mryn and Papa Cook in Kettlefalls before they made the move out to Wenatchee to be close to us, Makenzie and I always had a good time. We were like any other pair of little girls. We would adventure up the mountain side and find the perfect area to play house and to play princess games or Pocahontas. As you can imagine... Mak always got to be Pocahontas and I always had to be the friend, I mean she was the older of course which entitled her to the right to be the main character.

Any who...

Grandma was an ICU nurse for many years and so she was always giving us precautionary talks.. At one point in our childhood we went to visit for a few days and grandma had let us know that there was a wild cat in the upper deck of the shed and it had some kittens up there but to make sure that we didn't get near them because if the mom bit us that it could be very unhealthy and dangerous.
Most of us know how Makenzie is. Tell her no and she screams yes. Tell her jump and she said how far. Tell her that she shouldn't like someone and shell love them. Tell her not to cut all her hair off and she'll do a pixie. This is just the way Mak has been since before I can even remember.
"Don't go trying to pet those cats, if you get a bite you can get really sick from it!" -Grandma
Makenzie and I walk out of the room
"Hey Kay, lets go pet those cats." -Makenzie two feet out of the door. I obviously listened to her. She was the boss of me and could also whoop my ass in two seconds flat if I said I was telling on her. Makenzie and I wondered off to the shed as sneaky and sly as we could possibly be. When Makenzie and I got in the shed Makenzie had stuck her hand right up to the cat with no hesitation and she was bit within a few minutes of the conversation with my grandma.
"Kay! What am I going to do? Grandma is going to be so mad! What if it gets infected?"- Makenzie
After Kenzie exclaims how she knows she is going to be in just so much trouble we manifested a plan. I being the little sister decided I would take one for the team. I bit my hand as hard as I could tolerate and wondered inside and asked grandma what would happen if I really did get bit by a cat. I showed grandma my bite and I swear that woman can smell a lie in a ten mile radius because she so slyly suggested that if someone got bit they should wash it immediately and probably put something on it and then looked me smack in the eye and said "Makenzie got bit huh?" and then it was all over from there.

Just a fun little tid bit about my sister and my younger years.

Papa Cook

Loss. Something so earth shattering and heart breaking. Something every single individual will go through in their lives, some more than others. Yesterday morning at 4:08 am I had this feeling of loss. I had that void in my heart that empty hole that told me I had lost someone, it was immediate. I have felt loss in many senses. I've lost friends that chose to move on. I've lost boyfriends that didn't seem to be the one. I've lost keys, and chargers, and shoes, and shirts and all the in-between. However, it had been a long time since I felt loss in which death was the case.
Dwight R. Cook is the kind of grandpa that was always there. He watched you and watched over you all at the same time and even when you didn't think he was listening.. he was. He had an opinion about everything but was very sparse about what he actually shared but when he did it was all ears. Towards the end of his time he didn't hold back on what he shared and it was such a beautiful thing to be around and to hear about when I wasn't there.
He lived a very great life. He played for the New York Giants and the Cardinals, he was a State Patrol Officer for twenty-two years, he was married for close to fifty-two years to a woman that would do anything for him, he had two amazing kids that grew to be amazing parents to their kids, and he was an awfully good father, grandpa, brother, and husband.
No holiday will be the same without him. His recliner that sits in the living room facing the TV just right will never be the same. His end chair at the dinner table during family dinners won't ever be the same. The house, the deck, the kitchen, the computer room, his room. None will ever be the same. As devastating and hard as it is I will never be able to thank God or him enough for waiting to let go until I was there. He wasn't in any pain, he wasn't scared and he knew it was his time. We are so lucky to have had those precious moments in the few days prior to his death where he was coherent enough to let us know how grateful he was for all the things in his life and all his future wishes. He left a huge impact on all of our lives and he will forever be remembered. I hope that us grandkids can live up to his expectations and goals in time.