Being in a relationship and not feeling like you’re enough might be the worst feeling in the world.

Bringing It All Back

Last week I got to see a few old friends of mine. We were all drinking far too much and laughing at just about everything which made the moment feel like it couldn't be any better. I don't often get to be surrounded by this specific group of friends but I will say... when I do get the chance to be around them again it always brings my head and heart back home. It brings me back to the nights Annie and I would sneak out of my parents house. It brings me back to working at the movie theater with her and the sheer excitement we had when we had realized that I had just landed her a job, and who on earth would ever think us two best friends would ever get anything done working together? What a joke.
I'm also back in leadership class with Chase freshman year of high school and he's saving me seats in class to stop me form having to sit by the kid that always referenced my boobs or my teeth every time I came to class. Or I'm in his Jeep and were going up Burch Mountain to go mudding while talking trash on everyone that had made us mad that week.
I'm back to Black Lake with Devan and watching him get drunk for the first time and he can hardly stand but he doesn't wipe that smug but happy look off of his face because he is in fact drunk and doesn't know any other facial expression at this point.
I love running into my old friends because those memories in Wenatchee that I had thought I buried deep down and had forgotten aren't actually forgotten after all. It makes me appreciate my dumb teen days and thank God that he has given me people that I can run into every now and again and bring it all back.

It's a boat.. In a pool.

No caption needed. We're just out here living our best lives.

"Stress is resistance to living in the moment."

... I know I said no caption needed. But I guess that in fact was a caption after all. 

When you know... well you know.

"Love of my life." A term that I always found people used too lightly in relationships that they had just begun. I always thought it was silly to proclaim someone as the "love of your life" when you surely hadn't loved enough times in your life yet. How could you possibly know? Well, I know. I also now understand that term a little bit better than I had before. When I met Eli I thought for sure that it was too good to be true. Or that I would find flaws before I knew it, or maybe this was just the honeymoon stage, or maybe he was just putting on a show, or maybe he was actually super mean under all of this.

Boy, was I wrong. He's weirdly me with a different physical anatomy. He is unbelievably sassy and so funny. He can throw it back just as easily as I dish it out and he doesn't ever take things too lightly. He also is a "yes" person. I have never EVER dated a "yes" person like myself. If I ask him to do anything like.. go to a wedding or go to Watershed or take a spontaneous trip to Wenatchee... there are no "no's" and that may really be the cherry on top of the cake. In the short time we have been together we have already done and enjoyed so many adventures.. and thats another thing, we have only been dating for a little while but it feels like so much longer than that. I'm so so so so blessed to be dating someone that I can actually call my best friend and someone that I am truly lucky to share a life with.

Aside from all the mushy, gushy, lovey-ness things definitely aren't perfect. I'd be a fool if I told you that things are always peaches and cream and sunshine and smiles. Of course we have our mind numbingly stupid arguments but we always come back from them even if it takes us a night to sleep it off. That's another reason why I love him so much though.. we move on. We don't sit and fester in it and let it over power our relationship.

I guess long story short.. I really love Eli.

I just have this super beautiful thing I heard in a podcast a few weeks back... Some of you may not believe in God and some of you may believe enough for those around you. But big or small, a little or a lot, please just read this and feel your heart do all the things,

                            "Compared to a  cosmo you are a blimp on a radar. Scripture tells us this life is but a vapor but in the eyes of your creator you are perfect, you are gigantic in his eyes. The God that breathed the stars would call you significant."

Another Birthday

Well, another birthday is coming and going. Everyone always makes fun of me because I am always that type of person that always act like the next number on the age scale will call for a whole new me. This year I feel as if something is different. This year I want to be better, kinder, healthier, the best version of myself. I want to shed all the negative things in my life; whether these things be things said about me, people, extra weight, pretty much anything that questions my happiness and brings me down. I'm getting to the point where my mental capacity is so full that I don't have time for anything but positivity. Twenty-one has been an exceptionally hard year for me. I've battled boyfriends and breakups, lost friendships, the passing of my grandpa and my beloved childhood dog, spent too many nights shit wasted and too many days too hungover to move, I was a much more negative version of myself than what I showed people. I keep saying I can't wait to turn twenty-two because twenty-one really was the hardest year of my life. I don't think i'll change over night or that I'll miraculously become the best person any of you have ever met but I do think that I can start fresh and choose the path I take from here out. Now cheers to the last few moments of being twenty-one but an even bigger cheers to twenty-two.

Question Mark... Question Mark...

Well everyone-... let me rephrase that.. well anyone who might potentially read my blog. I think we have all decided that I’m pretty busy. Pretty busy meaning that I don’t have more than a second to day dream or enjoy the peace and relaxation before the next thing sneaks up. It’s definitely a pain but I put it on myself. I want to be all these different things but not at different times in my life.. all at once. At the moment I teach, coach, run my own chair at a salon, and I am attempting to write a book. When you list all these things out it seems nearly impossible but I make it possible because I want to dip my toes into everything and then go from there... but this doesn’t end. I want to be a surgeon, a special education teacher, a surgical assistant, a life coach, a counselor, a social security worker, a nurse, a nurse in the Air Force, a mom, a wife, an actress, a reporter, a sales person, a secretary. I literally want to be all these things. I’m just now learning that just because I am adaptable doesn’t mean that I need to do EVERYTHING. And if it takes my whole life to find out what my niche is... well I guess I have to be okay with this. And me saying that I guess I have to be okay with this.. well that means I’m really not okay with this. So, if any one has any suggestions on what the hell to do with my life, please do share.